The monster in me

©️ ज्योति। Jyoti

I’m failing
This pain distorts the things I see
It rigs the game
The monster is me
Or my ‘anxiety’
The monster is winning.

I’m trying
I have a new life
A hope to look up to
I am no more groping
I have a new found love to explore
But I see the monster in every smile
It’s the monster that is winning.

I’m wailing
My health fades
So does my sanity
My health is asking for respite
My heart, one last chance
But the monster grins because it’s winning.

I’m blaming
My past lingers
It is crawling back to me
For every pinch of happiness
My deeds are shaming me
And writhe but the monster is winning.

I’m suffocating
Love passes by
I am claustrophobic in hate
The idea is scared to be explored
I am shivering breathlessly
So the monster smiles because it is winning.

But I have had enough
So I say, “Not this time!”
I deserve to love and live
I am not the monster
It doesn’t deserve to live any longer
I am finally winning.